Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
