When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
