how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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