a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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