to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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