My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
