i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
When did angry sex become our thing?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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