I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
