Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
