I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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