the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
