he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
