I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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