i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
