Cold hands, warm shart.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
