hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
