My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
