I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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