it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
