is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
