I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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