Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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