Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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