I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
