i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
