you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I enjoy the company of your penis
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
