bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
