she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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