So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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