just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
