You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
one two three fourrrrnication!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
