I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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