How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
