he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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