Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
