You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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