i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
