he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
