i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
