when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize