I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
