seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
