if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
