Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
