he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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