Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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