saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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