I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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