well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
