That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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