Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
