At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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