im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
