our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
