yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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