Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize