Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
