Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
