My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
