my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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