i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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