his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Michael Bay diarrhea
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize